Where it Begins

I want to be the first thing you think of when you wake up, and the last thing before you fall asleep.  But what if you awake to a blankness, meaning you wake up without intention or purpose.  While searching for answers on the internet of all places, I wondered upon a post seeking clarity for this numbness.  Not quite apathy because there is no care to give.  An interesting reply was below this guys post.  He was discussing different philosophers and how they defined life.  Obviously I'm paraphrasing so I could be completely wrong.  But what separate us from the animals is our consciousness, knowledge, questioning the meaning and seeking to understand is our purpose.  This was an interesting take as myself am not religious or spiritual, though I envy what purpose and strength and peace people draw from "the man" "nature".  I don't believe that it is a higher thing bestowing what they draw from, from it though they tap into more of themselves, push themselves
 harder, restrain their impatience.  Though a bit off track from my original thoughts, surprising with ADHD...

Today I struggle with disproportional anger to situations, disorganization, impulsiveness, forgetfulness, financial debt due to all of that.   I search for works but cannot find them, speech is garbled or spoke wrong and have to repeat myself.  I forget totally how to spell things I once could, it is quite embarrassing, the other day I couldn't spell Georgia, I completely blanked.  Asked a neurologist and they said it was probably my ADHD.  I also have a learning liability, yet upon graduation, I was told there was no services that could be provided for as I rose my reading level from a second grader to high school student in a few years.  Yet with that much progress, it scares me I cannot, or forget how to spell a state, forget what letter something starts with.

As I reread a few of my blogs, I associate so much with my family (dna) and childhood traumas.  Even today, I never realized I chose nursing to continue my caretaking role.  My self doubt, guilt, explosive anger, anxiety, need to control things and ultimately my numbness.  Somewhere along the way I've learned that it better to feel nothing than to be hurt.  My inability to form relationships with others, because I don't know what a normal friendship.  No matter how well I dress myself up, I still see myself as a chubby dirty clothed child, an outsider.  So I never can accept any compliment, as I don't believe them.  Ultimately I have no self worth I guess, so I logically see no reason to invest in me.  I know so much comes from family mental illness, substance abuse, abandonment, and childhood trauma steams so many of my issues.  I hate that I know others have had it so much worse yet can live fulfilling lives.  They get past their past, embrace change or moving forward, re-frame
their situations.  I know this is what I need to do, yet do not know how...So for now I'm drinking more water and trying to eat better and trying to educate myself.

Step One, Starting Over

What defines life...What is it to live?  Even in the health care arena there are differing opinions...is it brain activity, ability to your heart to beat.  Is it quality, is it quantity, experiences, love, memories, tragedies.
  Blood pumps through my veins, my eyes see, lungs utilize oxygen and expel carbon dioxide.  I feel the wind brush over my skin, my brain has consciousness.  Is that what living is definded? Can we define such a concept?
  Picture a round cheeked grade school child, side swepted banged Burnett, goodwill green dress with  comb in hand. With a melancholy smile.  I will try to find a picture if I can.   As early as I can remember I've lived with numbness with moments of "happy" and more sad.  How do people live with peace, and happiness?  Abilify, Celexa, Prozac, Welbutrin, Paxil, Adderall.  I've tried so many combos while under doctor direction, yet a melancholy numbness is my baseline, with slightly less anger and anxiety off meds.  Meds make enough of a difference not to go off them, but not enough of a difference to believe that I can every feel ...well actually feel, be in present.
  There is more times than I can count I don't believe in myself, give up on myself.  So often I fear if I try and actually invest in me that it still won't be be enough, which will reaffirm to me that I am less than, unworthy of...more.
   Nature vs nurture, DNA, dysfunctional family dynamics.  At what point can we break free from our upbringing.  Bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies mother, alcoholic step father, bipolar sister, another with ocd, many more family with mental illness and substance abuse.   Here as I write, only 25 years old, one uncle committed suicide and my aunt was battling cancer and I believe committed suicide.  I picture girl interrupted with my aunt, shock therapy and still battled mental illness.  Some days I worry I will follow my families footsteps, their legacy so to speak.
  I wonder what is better, knowing or not knowing.  All the mental health books say you have a more promising prognosis if you have a self awareness of your illness. Yet those same book say the younger you are afflicted with illness the poorer prognosis.  What does that say for the same person as that melancholy child.  I would never dream of telling that kid that.
   I remember the very first time my mother got help for her mental health was at my counseling appointment as I was 10 years old.  I've always bared my mothers burdens, that even now I have not learn proper coping.
  I want to break me down to that child who didn't stand a chance, wipe her tears, hug her and teach her "happy" isn't fleeting moments, but a way of life.  I want to heal the wounds, and make her (me) stronger than ever thought possible.  Come away with me and find happy with me.

<3 moose